FIRST LOVE

The text of a talk by Eugene Halliday given at Parklands. Ishval Audio 52

Track 1

I have been asked to talk about a very delicate subject, of a personal nature, and you know I dislike talking about personal things unless I can make a macrocosmic reference, so I shall universalise the problem. It is the problem raised, by falling in love for the first time.

What are you burbling about Gerhardt, do you know? He is a lot younger than I am but he cannot remember.

Falling in love for the first time. Now we are assuming that this is possible and that the person who thought she had, had, in order to treat the matter seriously. Let us think about the condition of a human being, we will not say sexually biased one way or the other, a human being, human being. Human being with a body with feelings, an intellect and will in some degree of balance and this human being deciding to become perfectly balanced, that is to say, in total control of body response, emotional response, intellective formal presentation and a will which pure initiative. And this person sets out to do this and actually makes a declaration, “I would love to be a perfect being, an all rounder, and it is my intent to dedicate myself to the pursuit of this state of perfection, which we will loosely call the hermaphroditic state, as some wit observed recently, from Hermes, a god, and Aphrodite, a goddess. Now Hermes means all intellectual clevernesses, and Aphrodite means all arts of love. So this person is dedicated to the perfection of a being capable of all supremely logological intellectual insights without losing a capacity for infinite presentations of the arts of love. Such a being would be a true hermaphrodite.

Now it happens that this particular being was slightly biased towards the feminine side of nature, and with this great declaration of intent, going along, doing her studies brilliantly, thoroughly satisfied to be the perfect human being, or well on the way to it, when suddenly appears, over the horizon, a beautiful young man, intelligent, kind, rational, understanding, tolerant, all those virtues that you naturally associate with the mature male. And suddenly, the sight of this wondrous creature does something to her. Her chemistry becomes unbalanced. You know, the eye has a thing, you know the Bible tells you, “the lust of the eye,” she looks upon this creature. Does she see this creature or does she see the infinite possibilities hidden within the depths of the creature, somehow mysteriously shining forth onto a skin surface? Well, in any case, whether it is one or the other, she falls in love, and immediately upon falling in love, something very strange happens. Her declaration of becoming a perfect balanced hermaphrodite suddenly loses glamour. She begins to fall down towards the feminine pole of being. His beauty, his positivity, his power seems somehow to make her wish to give in to him, not to balance herself but to submit herself to so glorious a being. It is understandable that that should happen. If suddenly the Messiah comes in and you happen to be a virgin, the first thing you want to do for him is to lie down and make yourself available, because everybody knows the world is short of Messiahs anyway and there is one fairly good way of ensuring a supply, providing you are not on the pill! So all her resolution of perfecting her own being, disappears, and then, horror of horrors, what else has disappeared with it? Her intelligence has vanished with her declaration to perfect herself, she has abased herself. Quite suddenly she abandons the project of self-perfection of the gaining of a hermaphroditic state and then what happens? She suddenly begins to do something she has never done before, has blamed her mother for doing on many, many occasions, but she resolved, when very young, never to do it. That is, when the Messiah comes, with all his radiant beauty, to begin to bring some form of behaviour, anti-messianic, diabolical. There rises in her soul a peculiar impulse to nag, to complain, to point out deficiencies in this messiah, to point out points needing remedial action.

Now because it is the first time she has fallen in love, and she is very young, that is not taking into account the Long Body girl, Gerhardt, on this occasion, since this conception, her first time this time round, somehow there arises in her an awareness the perfection she saw in him is indeed perfection, but, like the shawl of a rabbi with tzitzis on it, periodically the tzitzis need trimming. So she decides that there is a hair on his collar or a bit of dust on his necktie and it must be removed. And, suddenly she becomes quite out of control and she begins to jump up and down and shriek and nag and to point out deficiencies that he certainly did not know he had. Not only did he not know that he had not got them but he is absolutely sure that her first assessment of him was correct! He then becomes very, very puzzled but, because of this occasion this man is as we have described him, one hundred percent beautiful in mind, body and soul, wholly equipped with intellectual faculties and the power of reason and self control, he does not react to her in the way the nagging is designed to make him react. He is so perfect he does not react. He does the most horrible thing to her, he comprehends her complaint; he understands that there is something very wrong with her, that she is upset about something. And so he manages to keep himself intact. Maybe he is superior in cunning as well as other things because it might be even slightly, internally in secret, agrees with her assessment, but as that is a very disturbing thing in any case, all deficiencies to such a man are only skin deep and he never comes to one skin. He lurks, with his perfection, deep within his being and she cannot comprehend now, two things; why she has started to correct this perfect being; why she is disappointed in this perfect being, and why this terrible change of mood in her, this determination to perfect him has got hold of her. She cannot understand it.

Track 2

And let us go back to the root of it. We remember in the Genesis story, it was Eve that started the trouble. God, The Almighty, Omnipotent Infinite Intelligence, who, in his providence, sees all things before they happen, and, as an early Christian father, Origen said, “Although He sees all things that can happen, he does not determine which of those shall happen to any particular man. He just sees the results of all actions like a good chess player; pawn to a king four, and you might as well give up if you are playing black. So He, at this vacant moment, this all-seeing God, looking down upon the situation, sees that Eve, a mere woman, that is to say a non-intellective creature with no initiative and, by her inner nature, willing to subject herself to a being of initiative and intellect, has mysteriously encountered within the garden of Eden, a being combining both those faculties to perfection, namely the Serpent. You know by the shape of the Serpent it has got phallic initiative and you know by its sinuous behaviour that it is highly supple and devious in its intellectual formulations; and that when these two encounter each other, this feminine creature willing to abase herself before a being of initiative and intelligence, shall on encountering this serpent who has both, naturally listen to him. So she listens and he points out it tastes OK this forbidden fruit, it look nice. It looks as nice as one of those Californian peaches that they sell in America, having sprayed one side to look pink, to represent the southern side of the fruit during ripening, and it also confers power, knowledge, to make you exactly like God. Now, who could refuse such an offer? Only a very, very sceptical person with a suspicious mind, probably a future linear descendant of Gerhardt.

They would not have caught Gerhardt; they might have caught Marghanita but they would not have caught Gerhardt.

Anyhow, Eve bit it and she immediately goes to Adam, because you know the thing about women, when they sin, is this, they like companionship. They do not like sinning in isolation. Do you know, sinning in isolation is very boring? Everyone should have a companion in sin. So she goes to this dopey Adam, lying around the place, obeying the command and tells him what she has done and that she has not dropped dead as prophesied by God, and he is so naiëve he is called the dispensation for innocence. When they are in the garden, he is so naiëve, he thinks “Well, she has not dropped dead, there is something fishy about this apple, or something applish about this fish,” so he takes a bite. And suddenly, he feels horrible. He looks down and he can see something he never saw before. Do you know, it is possible to have one for years and not notice. It really is. I think I was about twenty-nine when I found I had, and I have still not found out what it is for except it is a useful gadget at a picnic when there is nowhere to go. And then, he hides. Notice this essential quality about the guilty person. The guilty person hides, and God, who is omniscient, is always playing jokes, so He assumes a form so that He can be seen by Adam. He knows perfectly well, in his omniscience, that Adam id hiding and he knows where. But He does not let on that He knows where, No, He comes in the Garden and calls out in a divine voice, “Oh Adam, where art thou?” Adam is hiding and God is pretending He does not know that fact, and finally, Adam has to come out.

Now, the reason he did not know he had one was because before he bit of that tree fruit of knowledge of good and evil, his whole being was vibrant with celestial light. The light of his being shone through the gross matter of his body. It is rather like looking at a thing when you over expose it, are here any photographers in the room? They know, do they not, that if you get a subject and you photograph it in a very, very intense light, and over expose it – is there a photographer here? What happens, what happens to the image?

It loses its edges, you cannot find it.

It is suffused with light. The light removes the image if there is too much of it. So, imagine your condition in the Adamic state, because we are all there in Adam, every one of us as a logos spermaticos was in Eden. Is not that a nice thought, every one of us, we are human souls but every one of us was actually in the being of Adam at that time, so that when he disobeyed and chose to know, observe, knowledge of good and evil, a duality, chose to know duality, he light of his unity went out.

Now perfect love casts out fear. Fear is reason, and to will one thing only confers unity on the being and when you have unity you have a very peculiar thing, perfect magnetism and perfect light. You know, if you get an ordinary iron bar which is not magnetic and you put it on a little gadget and you run a DC current through it, it becomes a magnet. Why? Because every little molecule in it is already a magnet and they were lying higgledy-piggledy in all directions when it was apparently not magnetic, and all the different directions were self-contradictory and contradicted each other, but, when you run that current through it they are all forced into alignment, and when they are all lined up in the same way, in the same direction, unidirectional lying up turns them into a magnificent magnet and at the same time confers a peculiar magnetic light, which the mystics call a magnetic light and some theosophists and others call the astral light; a primordial light that never was seen in the fallen time-matter world, but is, nevertheless a real light. It is the equable light of the Tibetan’s Bardo Thodol. Think of that light that is so intense in being, a light just like the light in one of those little flies. You know, the fireflies, you know the shine by their own light and the funny thing about that light, it is not a hot light, it is a cool light and it greatly interests scientists because, if they could crack that particular puzzle, instead of having spotlights like this, which when they shine on you heat you, will have a light that will be pure light without heating you. It will be a super economic light.

Track 3

Now, imagine that Adam in that state before the Fall, was in a state where his whole being, from its centre, was radiant white light so that you could not see the gross body which was the dust of the ground that God had used to form the basic weight, the inertia of the body to keep it on Earth. That inertic time-matter body was shone through totally, so that Adam and Eve before the fall, were walking about in the garden, just like celestial beings, shining from inside power and intelligence. Was not that nice?

You were about to say something?

If full of light, how on earth could Adam succumb to Eve if he was full of light?

It is a tendency in married men to listen to the wife. It is a genuine tendency. After all, he has asked for a helpmate and God had given him one, so naturally he assumed that is if she is so good at helping, the kind of help he would get would be the kind he would like. But, sometimes feminine help is not what a man likes, it just happens to be what is merely good for him, which is intensely different.

So, there they are, this beautiful radiant pair and this girl; never blame a woman for anything she does because she has no intelligence. It does not matter, the feminine aspect of the human being and no initiative and she has a deep will to submit herself because this is her essential nature. She wishes to submit to intelligent will and it happens that the one she has was asleep, and there was another one there. It is a peculiar thing about woman, when they get married, if the husband proves deficient in any way, as soon as they find out, they automatically look for another one. Automatic, of course, means ‘self-moving,’ So there they are in this beautiful garden and suddenly, the light has gone out and he is hiding with guilt. When the light went out, he suddenly saw his gross material body, and you know how a candle has a wick, and the lamp, well, that has a filament in it, well the phallic zone in the male is the wick on that man, and it is from that deep centre, which the Japanese call hara, the power centre, that this radiance flowed. And the light has gone out and the confidence has departed, and despondency has descended, and the guilty member hangs down, dark, gross and rather sorry for itself. Those of you who have seen a disappointed one of those know how sorry it can look.So they are now, apparently gross beings, riddled with guilt, and we, every one of us are all inside that being, waiting to be bred, waiting to be let out. But it does not happen that we get let out in the Garden, no, because the Absolute says, “You shall surely die.” And because Adam was a bit of a goof at the time, that is a Hebrew word, goof, meaning gross body, he got himself thrown out. You cannot stay in the garden of Eden if you judge good and evil because the word ‘Eden’ means ‘ Do not judge,.’ it means non-judgement, like Paradise means ‘beyond duality.’ If you see duality, if you make a judgement based on duality you cannot stay in the edanic, paradisical state, it is quite impossible, totally illogical. So they have to go out, but before they go out, what happens? Something terribly, characteristically human.

God causes Adam to come out, “What have you done?”

“I have eaten the fruit, but,” there is always a ‘but’, remember that, look for the ‘but’, “The woman Thou gavest me told me to eat it.”

What do you think about a bloke that hands the blame to the wife? I do not need to ask ladies what they think about it, but what do the men think about themselves, if in fact, when called, when they have made a supreme crashing error in something, they say, “Well, actually, the wife told me to do it.” When boozing away together in a Cheshire pub you fellows together, alone, without woman there, do you ever descend to that level? When you crash and go, now, what do they call it, delimited, insolvent bankrupt, do you say, “Actually it is a piece of advice the wife gave me? I am now penniless and she has run away with the baker.” Do you feel OK if you say that? Do you feel proud, or do you feel a bit guilty? Well Adam, the first man, felt guilty and we were in him at the same time. So God says to the woman, “Have you anything to say about it my dear?” because you know, when addressing women, you should always say, “My dear,” in the double sense, worthy of…. Don’t need to go any further with that one. And she says, “The Serpent that Thou puttest in the Garden told me to do it.” So, over to you.

So God does not waste time arguing with the serpent because He knows what serpents are, like he will start an endless debate, like the one that would have been manifest if Christ had bothered to reply to Pilate to the question, “What is truth?” It would have been endless. So He does not waste time. He just says to the Serpent, “Because thou hast done this thou shalt lose thy beautiful pair of legs.” It was a bi-ped at the time, “And shall crawl on they belly in the dust,” which serpents, since then, have done. There are vestigial skeletallegs in the python that actually show. Once upon a time, the python, as represented in the Egyptian wall paintings, ran about on two legs, might even have been very big like a dinosaur, but certainly, at some time it had legs and at some time it was demoted. And, when it was demoted and went on its belly, it became a dweller in the earth in holes, in caverns, in dark places, and its whole psyche became very much more darkly cunning and manipulative.

So, because you cannot stay in a garden of non-duality in a garden of non-judgement, when you choose, and remember it is a matter of choice, when you choose to know good and evil, they had to leave.

Track 4

Now, in the same garden, there was a tree. Some scholars say it was the same tree. But it is not the same tree

And so called intelligent scholars say, “We sincerely believe that the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is actually the Tree of Life, but it does not say so in the Genesis story, but it refers to the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and the Tree of Life as two trees, and the Tree of Life is not dualistic at all. It sees everything and grows everything equally, like the Sun shines equally on the righteous and the unrighteous. So the life power, the mysterious fifth letter, the E in English, the Hè in the Hebrew, life itself, lachaim,, life itself says, “I will feed anybody, the goody, the baddy, the stupid, the idiot, the genius. why?” says Life, “I am naturally a spiritual giver. I do not want to receive, I am Infinite, I just give and you can do what you like with what I give.” Only you go into the realm of judging dualities, you cannot have the essential unity represented by that Tree of Life, a unity that is not compounded, as are atoms, into a material body, a unity that is the unity of non-duality, it is prior to the division into the dual state. That unity is spiritual life itself

And so they go out of the garden, and immediately, it says, they are, and they were, set up at that Eastern Gate, a sword, flaming, turning this way and that to keep out from the Garden, Man, lest he crept back in and ate of the Tree of Life and lived forever. Why was that not allowed? Because if he chooses to know good and evil and then is allowed to become immortal, he remains in a state of believing that good and evil are separable. He must remain in that state, therefore he has to die I order to re-think it; so that when God says, “You shall surely die,” He did not mean drop dead in the sense that Adam meant. He meant that you shall do what the word ‘die’ means and it means quite simply, being divided in your life. DIE we say, you can do this kind of trick in any language if you want but we will stick to the English for the moment. If you want to be mort or some other comical word, you can be. They all mean the same thing, division of the living self is the meaning of die. To die is to disintegrate, to die is to sever your thought from your feeling, your feeling from your will, so that instead of being a Holy Trinity you are three totally different functions at war with each other. That is all that God meant. If you choose to know good and evil you will divide yourself, and that is e elementary logic. If you say there is good and there is evil, you have divided in your consciousness, the contents and you have named a content good and a content bad and you have done it, nobody else.

I can see people here, some with red hair, some with black hair, some with no hair, some with curly har, some with straight hair; if I were to take sides I like rather fluffy hair you know, more seductive. I do not like short straight hair, parted to the face, it is not fetching. Now, if I did that I would be dividing my consciousness’s content, and if I did that and gave it an affective charge and said “This is worth more in terms of enjoyment than that is,” I would have divided my life field. Life is energy. It is not accidental that in English we have a vertical. It is I and three bars to make a letter E; one is thought, one is feeling, one is will. The I expresses itself I a three-fold way.

When we allow this to sink inside us, we are all, as Paul says, dead in our sins. Now the word ‘sin’ means aim. Private aim and missing the non-private aim, to miss the mark. The mark is the Absolute integrated total balance of the total possibilities of Infinite being. That is us, each one of us is an Infinite being with an Infinite capacity for comprehending mysteries, infinite capacity for loving, infinite capacity for activating ourselves on the basis of our omniscience and our all-lovingness. We all have the power to do it. If we do not do it, it is because we, and no one else, has chosen, we have chosen to divide ourselves. We have separated our thought from our feeling and our feeling from our will and we have become three enemies, because then the thought spends its time defining this is good, this is bad, and this is more bad than that, this is less good than that, and it spends all its time chopping things to pieces. Now, every time you cut a thing to pieces, you pluralise not only the forms that you have cut to pieces; you pluralise the affect, the emotional charges on those things. So to believe in a plurality of ideas or of atoms it is to haven emotive preferences for some over the others because they are slightly different in various ways. But, if we have a different affect, a different emotional charge on an idea, then the next thing we have is a plurality of wills, because each affectively charged idea will be shouting out “Will me, will me, will me.” And the will will scatter and wonder what to do of all these things being recommended. And, when that happens, the being becomes totally disintegrated. The plurality of wills, the plurality of affective charges, the plurality of ideas will scatter through Infinite space and that is called, losing one’s soul.

Track 5

Now the soul, funnily enough, is eternal, so what does it mean to lose one’s soul? The word lose and loose are the same word. When you integrate your soul, you gather it together and you make your thoughts and your feeling and your will into one compact trine, mutually supporting. But, if you allow that some things are good and some bad you divide yourself and you split, your ideas into many and you spend your time thinking, sorting out, deciding what is good, what is bad, whether this is efficient and that less efficient for the fulfilling of this or that purpose until your mind becomes a hot bed of warring ideas. And then each one has its separate affective charge upon it and then each little affective charge screams out to the will to support it. When that happens, instead of being integrated into one compact trine sphere of perfect function, you spread through Infinity, you are loosed, you are lost in Infinity.

Now, how does it feel like if you see a compact soul, held together by identification with its physical body only and along comes a vehicle of some kind, hits it and it is spread out? I think I have mentioned to you before about the occasion when I saw a little boy and this little boy ran straight in front of a steam driven engine. And they could not stop those things because they were too weighty and the braking was not efficient and it just rolled him out flat on the road. And it was just near where I was standing and it was opposite a butcher’s. And I looked at the flesh of this little boy, and the flesh was trembling like this … and it was wondering where it was. The soul of that little boy at that moment had been spattered out. And everybody was horrified, standing there and not knowing what to do with it, and one cool mind was present, the butcher, who came out of the butcher’s shop with a bucket of sawdust and he tipped the sawdust, like this, over the trembling protoplasm of the little boy, and then he suddenly shovelled it up and put it in the bucket and quickly took it away, to avoid offending the sensitive observers. But what was the state of that little boy at that moment?

Loosed completely.

Loosed, yes,? for the time being, maybe it would assemble at some remote point of time or space but certainly at that moment it was not assembling. Now, imagine a person who, all his life has had a plurality of thoughts, a plurality of affective charges, a plurality of wills, and while he is in that state only one thing holds him together, the inertia of his gross physical body. And at that moment, he is tearing down the motorway, in a fog, at eighty miles an hour…pile up. And there is a head over there and an arm over there and a couple of legs up there and a stomach here; and the police come along and clean up. What is he like, when his only reference has been broken in bits? He is loosed, he is a loosed soul. How does he feel? Answer, not very happy. Why not? Because the word ‘happy’ actually means to have one’s power posited in a unific manner on one governing concept, that is the meaning of the word, ‘happy.’ It means put your hierarchical power, posit it on one and one only point, then you are happy. You are only happy when you are integrated and totally committed to what you are doing. That is the condition of happiness.

Track 6

So there we are. They do die. The gross body did not drop dead when they chose to know good and evil, but their minds, their feelings, their wills split an absolute logic logologic and God is Absolute Logic as well as Absolute Power. As Absolute Power He is called God the Father, as Absolute Logic He is called God the Son, as absolute deed from his omnipotence, omniscience he is called God the Holy Ghost, not three gods, one God viewed in three ways by the intellect of man, and this logological, omnipotent, omniscient, omni-active says you cannot stay in here now, you have been illogical. But, I can do you a favour; I will push you out of the Garden, you will have horrible experiences, the product of your own decisions of will and when you have assimilated enough lessons, I will let you die, physically, I will release you from the body and I will let you meditate for a time in another level of being beyond the gross and see if you can redesign yourself rethink your position, called repent in the Bible; re-hang yourself back on that primordial unity, that primordial echad, that wonderful hierarchical life-field that has hidden within it, mysteriously, all the differences that could possibly exist but all so interwoven together that they cannot be severed from each other and so fall into disintegration. There is the unity of man safeguarded by the fact of death.

When man fell, he died, he disintegrated, and then, this Absolute intelligent power, God, in His mercy said, “I will now allow you to die, grossly, physically,” and the soul, in the moment before death, if the death is not violent, the soul gathers itself together. Now people familiar with people dying in hospital, nurses and doctors, they often notice a tendency in those who are dying, and know they are, who somehow gather themselves together before they die. There are very few that do not gather themselves together before they die. They think about their past and they try to integrate it, bring it into a oneness; and when they have got it sufficiently at one with itself, that is called atonement, at oneness, then they let go of the gross body and they pass into another level of being; a level of a life-field without a gross body, in which they are able to meditate upon the whole of their life for long enough to assimilate the message of their own errors. And then, when they have lived long enough in that level of being to assimilate that lesson and they have designed for themselves a new orientation towards life, then they come back again and they re-incarnate in a protoplasm related most strongly to the kind of errors that they committed and have to correct. And remember what we said, every living being is like the tip, the growing tip of a twig on a tree, and every branch with many twigs is like a father or a mother, an all the branches come out of a trunk which is the expression of the unific life; and that derives from a primordial seed, posited by the Infinite Absolute. So that, we ourselves, reincarnate in the same protoplasmic line which we posited as parents long ago. We are all derived from this primordial human type, the Adamic type and we were all hidden in his being as structured dynamic forms, called Logoi spermaticoi, and we have been derived from that primordial Adam through time we and were participators in his error in that garden. So that when he died in due course, and assimilated his lesson and that soul withdrew from that gross level of material existence and then came back again into it to complete his education, he had bred Cain and Abel, and Cain had murdered Abel, and Eve had given birth to a new son in the place of murdered Abel, Seth. And from these two had come lines of further development, and the Cainish line had chosen knowledge and the line of Seth had chosen obedience to God. And out of the one line, we call it the Sons of Men, and out of the other line we call it the Sons of God, which is a metaphor for saying, this lot like empirical science and this lot like pure onchology, divine metaphysics. And then the Sons of God saw the daughters of Men that they were comely to look upon and they entered into them and they conceived and they brought forth Titans, nephelim, giants, mighty men of old. And they bred continuously and fanned out and made the populations of the world, and we are the living, now, here representatives. We have still inside us these same two impulses, the Cain impulse, the Abel impulse, and we ourselves, as individuals, can choose. And if we choose for the one or the other we get the fruits, and if we oscillate and will not choose, we get “spewed out of the mouth.” A non-chooser is not dynamised by the Absolute because the Absolute polarises in this way to bring the poles together again, because polarisation, splitting of the unity into two and then looking at the two simultaneously, allows choice. Without that primary polarisation you could not choose. So the birth from Cain, the murderer, and the birth from Seth, who is God’s representative after the murder of Abel, they are enough now and we can choose whether we will believe in empirical, materialistic science and whether we will think that psychology is mechanistic behaviourism or a teleological evolutionary spiritual device for the perfecting of divine human beings for the future. It is a choice that we can make and if we choose the one we get a certain fruit, if we choose the other, another fruit. One of the fruits, the empirical, materialistic, the dedication to separativity, atomism, the worship of granularity, the diabolical ahriman of Persian mythology, that one leads to disintegration of our souls because it scatters us. If you do not believe it look at the pluralisation of sciences.

Track 7

A few hundred years ago it is possible for a well educated young man to know all about science. The young buck of the Renaissance knew all about current science. Why? Because there was very little of it. Anybody can know all about nearly nothing. It does not take much. But what has happened since? Through that research of that Cainish, empirial materialistic, atomistic science, the sciences, have they become simpler or more complex? Do not we have now, scientists so diverse, so specialised that one brilliant genius Nobel Prize winner in one department, knows nothing whatever about another work of another brilliant genius specialised in his department? So, in fact every person who specialises in that isolating way is killing himself because he is making himself into a mechanism of the form to which he has dedicated himself. And the law is you go under the law governing the object with which you identify. So if a man believes in a plurality of sciences he is always aware there are some sciences he has not studied, areas of ignorance for him. So he must, necessarily, in the affective level of his being, feel deficient, and in his volitional level he must be willing to get to know more about it so that when he goes to an international conference in Tokyo or Oslo and is allowed five minutes to put forward his thesis, because they have got two thousand other brilliant specialists there, he should be able to converse with them a little. So, he should know a little bit of their vocabulary. So if you get a convention in which all the topmost thinkers go, and some are philosophers and some are scientists, and some are psychologists, and some are psychiatrists and some are physiotherapists and some are given up and are now drunkards, but they must all have a vocabulary of interchange, otherwise they cannot keep their self-image. So how do they feel internally? Do they feel any different from the little boy under the steamroller?

No.

No, they do not. And as a matter of fact, if you go to such a convention and you see them, you see they form little pockets like this, of specialists and give you a little bit of – whatever it is, red biddy or something, you walk about amongst them and listen here and listen there you find that this group is insulting the leader of that group; and that group has insulted the leader of that group, and they are all saying rude things about the other specialists who don’t know about my own speciality. Why? Because they feel deficient, they feel deprived, because they are. It is as simple as that. Why is that? Because the ultimate goal of science is the solution of the problem of total reality. But the word ‘total’ means dead. Tote al means God is dead and He is not going to move, He is going to stay there, waiting to be examined. But he is not, because God is Spirit, God is dynamism, God is evolutionary intention and at the very moment when science thinks that it has got something taped, there is a process going on underneath so that when it comes to examine the spectrum it is not what it was yesterday.

I saw a woman interviewed in America about the Iranian thing. Her solution to the problem how to get out the hostages, she said “Nuke the Iranians.” Nuke them. That meant nuclear bomb them and it is a new word they introduced, ‘nuke them.’ She thought some how they could drop a nuclear bomb on Teheran which would not hit the American Embassy, she was not very knowledgeable. Now, people can say things like that, there are people thinking like that because they have disintegrated. They have not got the Renaissance buck’s belief that they know everything because they know they do not, but they have a wonderful tendency to vote for somebody they have never met in their lives before who has made an election speech written by somebody else and does know what it is he had just said anyway, and could not care less as long as he gets your votes; so that the gross material fact of the pursuit of separated, individualistic powers is totally uncomprehended by ninety five per cent of people.

Track 8

Now, if we want to avoid losing our souls you have only one remedy and that is to stop pluralizing our purposes. We must have only one purpose; and let us see, back to our original problem, it was Eve that caused Adam to eat the fruit, or was it the fact that Adam was stupid, naïve, or kindly innocent? In any case he was irresponsible, and because woman caused the initial fall, then universal logic says she has got to put it right.

Now you know by the law of the continuity of protoplasm, we are all the growing tips of protoplasm of the primordial human protoplasm that is mythologically referred to as the Adamic state of being. A woman caused the Fall, so there is in woman a very, very, very deep guilt. She brought man down and whether she admits it or not superficially, she knows it. So now she flies into the opposite error, she will pick him up; she will give him back his perfection which she deprived him of. Is it good logic?

No.

My God, no!

There is something to do with Adam and choice here.

Adam could have said, “No, my dear, we were forbidden. Do not let us hide, let us apologise.”

Well Adam had the choice of taking the apple or not.

Of course he did. It w as wrong for him to pass the buck; it was wrong for her to pass the buck, and when they got thrown out, it was she who deferred. House, home, cooker, fridge, car, and guilt is the psychological expression for a sense of deprivation resulting from one’s own action. That is all that guilt means. It means that the will, the guilt, the GUIL means will, that the will is aware that it has crucified itself; so she is driven by this guilt that she talks is failure, now becomes guilty in exactly the opposite direction. She is not going to wait for God to enlighten Adam, she is going to put it right with herself, with Adam, with snakes and with God. She knows nothing whatever about divine grace, she was wilful in the first place; she is wilful in the second. She will now reform this manifestly, fallen, degenerate piece of Adamic tissue.

(Laughter)

Is that funny? I see you had experience.

Well, you see, what woman has to learn, a terrible lesson, it is God that can reform man, not woman. The best she can do in her position, especially if she is married, and hopefully, if she is not married the only way to get married is to look as if she might; is to realise it is not in her hands to reform that man, because God is a very, very clever fellow. You see, what God does is this He creates, using His own Ka, His own intelligence, because there is not anything else; and He wills to make creatures in order to express to Himself, as in a mirror, His own content. And logically, He is required to will for Himself an incarnate representative of Himself, fully developed as a divine being on Earth, and this is man, perfected, the divine human.

So that every time there is an error, what does God do, say “You should not have done that” and turn His back on us? No, He does not do that. “It is rather funny, funny that, very interesting, I wonder what would happen if it went to the end?” And He lets man go to the end of his error and He capitalises on it. And, by so doing He introduces man, falling man, sinning man, missing the mark man; He introduces him to millions of errors that he never even thought of, and that is why it says in the Lord’s Prayer, which is a prayer said to God, “ Oh lead us not into temptation.” Do you say that to the devil or to God? In the Lord’s Prayer it is said to God, “Lead us not into temptation, we are smart enough already. Errors we know about enough, and the pains we already know about enough.” And God says, “I can think of errors implicit, logically in the ones you have already committed which you have not yet examined thoroughly, and I am not going to tell you what they are. What I am going to do, is set up funny little signposts like this, and you can look at it and you can say is that a funny stiff hand or is it pointing, and if so, is it pointing this way or this way, because when you point like that you know, you should always have your thumb up? Look at that.

I had an old Friend, and when was eighty seven when he dropped dead, drunk. I mean he was dead drunk and he dropped dead. He was a very nice old man, his name was Harry and he was called in the village, a T shaped village like this. “Old Harry,” and he was very funny because he had, or claimed to have when work was mentioned, rheumatism, in the fingers, and he used to come along and say, “Would you like to go looking for rabbits and mushrooms, this morning?” And I would go with him and the other boys and suddenly he would say, “There is a rabbit over there,” and you see I knew he meant, ‘look along this line’ but beginners looked along that line and they could not see any rabbits. And extending this art I used to point people and say, “Why don’t you go that way?” and let them choose.

Track 9

This is exactly what God does to us, He shows us sins we never thought of, but not ones that were no implicit in the ones we had thought of. We think of the ones we like and He points out the logically connected ones. Some like to play Rouge et Noir, so they go to a gaming house; they like the red and the black, and then they think, why not red and black underwear, on the secretary, that could be interesting, spin that. Now that is a logical extension of a sin, isn’t it? I know a man who cannot kiss his wife unless she has got black underwear on. And do you know, sometimes she lies. He comes in, rather hot, worried and needing solace, and he comes in and asks for a kiss, and he says, “Have you got your black and red on?” And she has not, you know, she has got nothing on, because it is midsummer, and she says, “Yes,” and then he relaxes. And this is a sin with implications. And she is more economic, why should she get hot if she can manage to soothe him without. You know, God being Jewish, you know God is a Jewish God, do you know the original God of gods is a Jewish God, and even His name is Yiddish. He is very economic, and because He is breathes His Spirit into man, man is also economic. But the male side of the human race is very dopey and slow in its economics while the feeling life of the woman is immediate in its economic assessment and therefore the female is able to make brilliant, immediate economic assessments. Now, because she is so smart naturally, God who capitalises on errors had to slow her down with something, and this something is the key to the whole problem with which we started. Yiddishe boys call it, “Being on the hook.”

When a girl falls in love for the first time she has an infinite yearning, like Cleopatra, immortal longings, and if she gets into a sexual relation, even as far as a kiss on the finger tips, her chemistry begins to change, immediately. Now the peculiar thing about these sexual hormones that begin to synthesise on receiving the first kiss in Spring, is this, they are able to switch off all intelligence that might defend itself in individual egotistic survival modes. Sexual hormones switch off the reason in man and switch off that wonderful feeling assessment power of the woman. So the woman is forced to converge on the man who has triggered her into that hormonic, reactive state; and the man, likewise, is forced converge on the woman who had triggered him into that hormonic, reactive state. Now otherwise the immediacy with which the woman apprehends the situation would make her actually all-powerful in the time-matter world. She is so cunning, so innately, brilliantly, deviously cunning that if she had not got a brake on her she would not be able to manipulate mere men with perfect efficiency, and if she did that, she would be lost because she would become the supreme mahama. She would become the great visible time-matter goddess. So death even does her a favour, because you will observe that wherever a woman has great power and becomes a great matriarch, perhaps covering several generations, it is only death that releases her from her grip on the lives of those people over whom she has gained sway.

Track 10

It seems that we are in a rather difficult position. We are hermaphroditic, that is, we have a body, we have feelings, we have intellection and we have initiative and we are led by the time impulse to evolve, and in that we have mentation. Our middle finger, if you remember, symbolises mentation, pure logic on your index finger, mentational, serial thinking on your middle finger. We make this funny animal and it walks along mentationally, carrying its body, its feelings, its intellect and it will with it. But, mentation is serial. It thinks one thing after another, and one thing after another, no matter how many data you collect, can never add up to the original, pre-analytic, non-duality represented by the Edenic state, so that no amount of mentational, serial thinking, continued ever so long throughout time, if we made time endless, no amount of mentational serialised ideation could arrive logically at that pre-analytic, non-duality of pure spirit in its Edenic state; but we have been trained over thousands and thousands of years to think mentationally. Now if we do not learn to stop serial mentational thinking and replace it by something totally different, we can never attain what we are looking for.

Now, all the great religions of the world concur exactly in this same statement, whether you are talking about European, Christian mystics, whether you are talking about the Middle Eastern, Arabian religions, Judaism, Christianity, Islam or Hinduism, or China or Japan, any of those religions say the same thing, the pursuit of a state of awareness, not dependent on serial mentation. In Europe the mystics say it is the pursuit of nothingness, an identification with Nothing. In Buddhism it is the pursuit of sunya, the void, pure voidity. It means non-seriality, it does not mean there is nothing there. It means there is everything there, simultaneously but not serially. You comprehend totally. There are people in this room; you all know you are all in this room, you do not need to count each other do you?

No.

You feel your presence, don’t you, and each one of you sitting there feels the presence of all the others. Now therefore, your feeling awareness of each other is intermeshing. That is the Japanese jiji muge, the absolute interpenetration of all beings at that feeling level, and at your intellective level you know it is true. If we are all here at once we do not need to count there are a lot of us here, and we all aware of it, that is non-serial awareness, so it is not something strange to us, we are quite familiar with it. We tend to ignore it and when we do ignore it we are in trouble. The thing that makes us ignore it is egotistic, private, separative purpose which considers that the purpose of this woman and that woman and that woman, are different.

Track 11

Now, think about it as organisms sitting on chairs and all the organisms have been involved, intentionally, by non-dual absolute intelligent power to make for itself many, many vehicles of expression for inter-communication. So that you are all children of the One God. Think about that, every one of you is a Son of God.

You are all called a Son of God as to your initiative intelligence and a Daughter as to your feeling and physical orientation.

Eugene,whenever you are speaking tonight it seems that everything that you have been saying seems to contradict and wipe the other one out. You follow one line of thought and then go on to another one which then erases the other one, so at the end of it there is no conclusion, there is no direction and I know that is what you are talking about, about direction. But, at the same time you turn round and say, “Well you have got to make a choice, and the indecision is no good to you because you will die if you are indecisive. How do you make a decisive choice without intellectualising at all, of making a role for yourself, of saying I want my soul to be disintegrated or integrated?

If you have put a question to me now, and you have talked as if what you have said is significant to somebody other than a self-centred egotist. Now, I am going to throw it open to the rest of you. In all the contradictions that were apparently there is there any absolute, logical necessity that they should be considered to be mutually exclusive?

No.

Somebody disagrees with you. Now you actually came in and sat on the front row, in Gerhardt’s place. Do you know it is a hot seat? You know Gerhardt has been calming down, you see, and you have moved into his seat, and you have, by your own definition, described exactly what I am talking about, that a person with an egotistic, private, glandular, atomistic purpose of private intent, cannot get back to that pre-mentational, Edenic state of non-duality, and you have described it perfectly.

What is one supposed to do?

One, which one? You are supposed to make your own mind up and God will capitalise on you. You make your own mind up, one? Do you know that God is One?

Yes.

You know that God is said to be One in all major religions?

Yes.

Right, is there a Jewish person in the house that knows how to say “God is One?”

But if He is not one...

You are not Jewish, you be quiet.

Echad Elohim.

Aha, that mysterious echad. What does it mean? One? Only God can be One, you cannot be one, you have not got the power, you have not got the knowledge, you are in bits because you are a linear descendant of Adam.

So I am already a disintegrated soul?

You are already a disintegrated soul, as evidence by the form of your question. So the only thing you can do is stop mentational thinking and allow yourself to be healed by the only Echad, by God. And so the intelligent Absolute Power of Infinity is the only healer. You have to stop your private, mentational, egoic striving and really believe that there is an intelligent power that knows you exist. Do you believe it?

Yes.

Are you telling the truth?

Yes.

Do you believe that God knows you exist?

Try and tell the truth, I know it makes your nose itch, because, do you know, the nose is the phallus representative on the face, and every time you insult him, your nose itches? Have you noticed? Aha, go on, do you think that God knows you exist?

No.

No, do you see? Now how many people here think that God does not know they exist?

Show of hands, tell the truth you rotten lot. It is not possible for a mentational mind to know that God exists. It is not possible for that mentational process to comprehend the Infinite is it? How can a mentational process based on seriality, comprehend the Infinity, omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence is a reality, is it possible at mentational level? No.

No, you must have to go through the intellectual process first.

No, no dear, you do not. That is what you want to do but that is egotism driving you and God letting it drive you to teach you a lesson, and anybody else who is watching you, because we can all learn from each other’s errors.

Track12

Eugene about four or five years ago, when I first came here, I did not have any idea what it was all for or what I wanted to learn, all I knew was a lot of encapsulated energy which wanted to learn something, and then when I had been here a few times and tried to meditate, think about what it said, it tied me up more and more and more in knots.

They made Socrates drink hemlock for doing that on nice boys like you, do you know that? I did not tie you up, you did. You were driven by the desire to know but the empirical ego was on the bandwagon, it wanted to know for its purposes.

Of course.

Of course, you had no idea of omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence in which it was living and moving and having its being. You had no idea that that omniscience was pushing it about and making it evolve so that it couldn’t possibly make the only thing that actually confers upon you that which you are looking for, and that thing is that weird, wonderful, Kierkegaardian thing, the leap of faith. It is impossible for serial mentation to comprehend the meaning of omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence. It is illogical to expect that mechanism of serial thinking to do it.

Why are we talking about choice?

Because you can choose to like it or dislike it and that will give you an orientation.

It seems to me you are talking about disintegration, a disintegrated soul or an integrated soul. Intelligence tells us to head towards integrated soul and yet one is not to judge which is right and wrong.

Of course you are not because everything is educational. You want to, I know it is a contradiction you want to equate pleasurable with right and painful with wrong, and it is not, you can learn as much from either, and the thing is to get back to the point where you recognise that there is an unbridgeable gap which logic cannot bridge between serial mentation and the simultaneity of Absolute spiritual consciousness You cannot have a line of temporal thought processes adding up to a non-temporal conclusion, and therefore, at a certain point you have to gather yourself together and make that mysterious thing, the leap of faith. You have to believe in this thing. I know you cannot do it at the moment unless God interferes with you between now and when I finish my sentence, which He might, by grace. You cannot believe that the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresence intelligence Power which is God has posited you there and the rest of us; knows you are there better than you do and knows exactly which course of treatment of errors you need to bring you to the leap of faith, and you cannot believe it. It takes it out of your hands until you are ready enough, ripe enough to make the leap. But, to do that you have to be empirically, egoically dead. The empirical ego must die.

Will you explain empirical? What does empirical mean?

Based on temporal, material experience. Your egoic self, the one you ordinarily refer to, must die. “Except the seed die and fall to the ground it abides alone.” You cannot return to the Absolute Consciousness, which is the Spirit of God put into man, until you give up relying on your materialistic, temporalistic, egotistic, atomistic analysis of the world. Now, can you do it now?

I don’t even know how to do it.

No, you do not know how to do it, how is stop private serial purposing. That is the how. Can you do it? Give up all purposes of any kind whatever of time, matter, serial nature, of success, temporal, material, give them all up You have got a business haven’t you?

Yes.

Give it up, absolutely, the concept. Don’t give up the business, give up the concept that you own it. Give up the concept that it is there for your benefit and reverse it, it is there for divine service. Can you do that one? Everything you earn is His. Every penny you earn from you and your workers belongs to God and is to be deployed for divine purposes, not private, egotistical purposes. Lay yourself at the service of God.

I understand that.

You do? Can you do it? Can anybody see any doves floating about? Maybe.

I have an idea that….

(Laughter) I had an idea of it. I think we will let you have a little breather, alright?